Idiot Meets Altair
by BoosterSeat3
Summary: Somehow she knew his name, where she was, and what to do. The hardest part wasn't tagging along with the Assassin... But making sure that she wasn't stabbed in the back.
1. Le Orange

**Yeah, you guys are probably sick and tired of me remodeling this story! XD but oh well, I keep learning how to write. This time I have a more realistic look to Assassin's Creed... And ever since I learned how to parkour, I realized that ALL that running and climbing isn't so easy. Hell, it took me three months to get up a 6ft wall, until my friend and i realized we were DOING IT WRONG. But overall, I learned that you need the strength, flexibility, and smarts (Yes, we outsmarted the wall, for there was a latter next to the shed) to survive.**

**And so I present to you... Idiot Meets Altair:REVISED BY THE REVISED- ... jk... its just Idiot Meets Altair. ;D**

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Assassin's Creed... although I'm thinking to invest.

* * *

I could hear the angel chorus in the background. He was dressed in pure white, silver shining, and his green eyes shining so bright. He makes me feel like a princess, a warrior even, I feel powerful when in his presence. Even though he sometimes gets on my nerves, and then laughs in my face. He'll act out of place sometimes, won't do as asked, or just outright refuse to do as I ask. But that's okay, because I love him so. No use getting all worked up over something simple. I can't bare to throw him out, I can't let him go.

And with that thought in mind, I picked up my remote and turned him on. The opening to the first Assassin's Creed played on my hand-me-down television and I grinned when I realized that this was MY Xbox 360. No reason to bother my older brother for his anymore, for I have a brand new one to myself. Only downfall is that I have to restart my game, but that's okay. I love Assassin's Creed.

But it doesn't love me.

Is it possible? Why? Maybe it's my bad luck with technology. My brand new Xbox has just froze, what are the chances?

I groaned in frustration and hit the power button... but it didn't turn off. After waiting several minutes, I was fed up and unplugged it. And that changed absolutely nothing, his green eye shined proudly in my face. Oh, it's on. I unplugged all the wires that connected my Xbox to the wall, and every wire that connected to my Xbox. But the green light still taunted me. No wires, it was just by itself, putting up quite a fight.

"This is ridiculous." I was beat by an inanimate object. I let out a loud sigh, it's time for the tools to come into play. I stormed over to my bedroom door and swung it open, and jumped in fear when my doorknob was goo in my hands. I stared at it in my clenched fist, it looked like I smashed Play-Doh in my hands. When I opened my hand to let it drop to the floor, it stuck to my flesh, then slowly melted to the floor with the texture of honey.

This is a prank. It has to be.

Until I noticed the walls, they were melting in the same honey-like goo. I twirled around and watched as everything in my room melted, and made a swirl of colorful, sticky goo on my floor. I yelped and my eyes went wide as I realized I was sinking into the floor, goo drizzled from the ceiling and the room caved in. I couldn't move.

I screamed, sinking quickly into the floor, there was nothing to grab, no one to help. As I held my breath before I was lost to the floor forever, I took one last glimpse of his bright green mocking eyes.

Oh, he's defiantly going in the dog house.

* * *

My whole body itched, and my senses awakened. I snapped my eyes open and instantly regretted it, something dry poked me in the eye. I closed my eyes quickly and flailed my arms in front of my face. Whatever it was, it was light and stringy. I forced myself to sit up and opened my eyes as soon as I felt the sun's hot rays hit them.

I was in a haystack...? Yeah okay. I slowly rubbed my eyes and when I finally opened them, I wasn't in my room. I was lying in a haystack in the middle of a large city.

"This is all strangely familiar." I slowly got up, moving stray pieces of hay from my jacket and wondering if this was a dream. If it was, it was one freaking vivid dream.

Suddenly, blur of white flew by me followed by a delayed army guards that looked like they were from the seventeenth century. They all screamed the same thing, "Assassin!" My blue eyes widened as I realized where I recognized that line, Assassin's Creed. But was it possible?

"I am going to die here." I muttered to myself but I quickly shook it off and ordered my small body to jolt after the two groups.

When I arrived at the scene, looking at the cloaked man in a dead end surrounded by the threatening guards, I turned in all directions trying my best to spot something that might help, some kind of fearsome weapon. But then, out of the blue, a round orange object consumed my A.D.D. I looked at the surrounds and it was a simple poverty-stricken fruit stand. _How the hell is there oranges in the Middle East?_

I ignored the thought and rushed over to the stand, picking up the orange while ignoring the shopkeeper's shouts of calling me a thief. While remembering everything I learned in baseball, I pulled my right arm back as far as I could behind my head, while holding the orange tight I let my arm snap forward letting the orange fly from my hand and nail an unsuspecting guard in the back of the head. He fell over unconscious. _I guess I don't know my own strength!_

"Haha!" I laughed at the remaining guards, who snapped their head towards me. They looked surprised and ready for anything, except getting hit by a stray fruit thrown by a little girl. "You got served!"

That was the cloaked man's cue, he shoved past the remaining guards and ran full speed around the corner and dashed quickly around another. It was a game of cat and mouse. The guards chased after the cloaked man, all dashing out of the alley at once. But I didn't expect this, the others chased after the man but one kept running full speed towards me. Reality hit me and I ordered my legs to a dash in the direction of the cloaked man but I suddenly felt a hard tug on my throat, feeling my jacket collar dig into my flesh.

"Stop!" the guard ordered me, pulling on my blue hoodie and forcing me to a halt. My small pale hands involuntarily reached onto my neck and pulled the jacket off my throat, I took in a deep breath finally breathing. Again, he tugged on my hood, this time I was thrust backwards and I stumbled only to fall against the guard, he put his steel sword against my pale neck. I realized my position and let my body go deathly still. "Don't move!" he ordered again, my captor's repulsive breath dirtied my breathing air and my eyes slightly began to water, I let out a small cough.

"UGH," I stuck out my tongue to try my best to keep my contents to myself and quickly jammed my hand into my jacket pocket, digging around I finally found my item of value and pulled them pout to reveal a pack of peppermint flavored gum. I held my right hand up and let him see the colorful gum package. "Dude, seriously!"

"Shut up," He yelled again, his breath silencing me and his blade of death pressing itself against my neck made itself known. "This will be over quickly litt-" He suddenly slumped forward, his sword dropped and freed my neck, his full body weight leaned on me. With a groan I pulled away and he fell to the ground. His eyes were wide with surprise and on his neck fresh cinnamon blood gushed out of a small but deep open wound.

My eyes then noticed two feet standing in front of me; my eyes trailed up to meet the infamous assassin of the game, Altair Ibn La-Ahad. For a moment, I was lost in thoughts. A couple of reasons why. He is a lot different then he is in the game. He's taller then I expected, he looks a lot more threatening, and he and everyone else in this place has really strong body odor.

After a quick moment of realization, I smiled and placed the gum back into my pocket while putting my other hand innocently behind my head. "Thanks Altair!" I said happily, putting my hand down and into my pockets. His mouth flinched when I said his name and he took a threatening step towards me, I mimicked his movement and took a step back, my smile faded and my expression turned nervous. I took my hands and held them in front of me, as if surrendering. "Don't hurt me." I whispered pathetically, making my self-confidence shrink to nothing.

"You can't run forever!" The guards reappeared from around the corner with their swords out and ready to claim blood. I stared at them with a glare on my face, ready to watch my new friend kill them all, but instead a felt a hard grip around my wrist, that sent a shock of pain through my arm, and pull me in the opposite direction.

My feet struggled to meet his pace and were being dragged throughout the city while I helplessly looked back at a guards and commoners that we passed. But as we made a sharp turn both the guards and the painful grip on my wrist disappeared. I quickly looked in all directions, slightly breathing heavily, and saw no Altair. _What the crap? _But as soon as he disappeared a cloaked arm reached out of a haystack that I failed to notice and pulled me into his hiding place.

"What the-" I was suddenly interrupted by a strong hand covering my mouth and holding me in place while small strays of hay poked into my delicate eyes. I lied as still as I could and slowly he removed his hand from my face, at the same time I heard a series of footsteps run past our hiding place. A moment passed and as soon as he was sure they were gone I was violently pushed up and out of the haystack, landing on the hard stone with a loud thud, a moan of pain escaped my mouth. _Ow, damn that hurt._

"Ugh, ow." I whined and rolled onto my stomach to get up. While I did I heard Altair skillfully get out and stand behind me. I brushed the dirt off my clothes and removed the hay from my hair, while slowly turning around to see Altair's unhappy hidden face. "That was a little rough don't you think?" I commented while removing the last piece of hay and tossing it aside.

As soon as it hit the ground he grabbed my collar with one hand and easily lifted my lightweight body off the ground. _Why is everyone grabbing my damn collar? _My hands took a hold of his hand and slightly made it easier for me to breathe but not much. His expression wasn't happier either; all I could see was his mouth but that held an angry expression while he asked me his first question.

"How do you know my name?" I acknowledged his question and kicked my legs to try to hoist myself up so I could breathe easier but he made it extremely hard, because he too, really needed breath mints. _I can't breathe!_

"Answer me!" He scolded, impatient. I quickly took my hands off of his and held them straight up so I would slip through my hoodie, I did and landed back onto the hard ground while letting out another sound of pain. Underneath my hoodie was a pure black shirt with big letters that clearly read, 'Metallica: Master of Puppets.' I fixed my shirt and he threw my hoodie to the side, abandoned forever, and reached out to grab me again but I jerked away and quickly sidestepped so I was behind him, he turned the same moment I did, and I held my hands up in surrender.

"Dude, don't touch me." I let myself catch my breath and at the same time I quickly searched my brain for an excuse.

"How do you know my name?" he demanded, standing up straight to block my only path of escape.

I took a deep breathe and looked at him stupidly, "Lucky guess?"

He clearly didn't like my answer because he unsheathed his hidden blade and held it up to show me, I yelped. "I mean," I yelled frantic. "You're so badass who doesn't know your name?"

"That's the worse excuse I've ever heard." He took a step forward and I took a step back.

"Really," I said with fake surprise. "I thought I was doing a good job." He took another two dangerous steps towards me and I took another cowardly two steps back. "It really would be better," I looked down at the ground and muttered silently. "And would make a lot more sense," I looked back up at his shrouded face. "If you didn't know." He didn't move or make any signs of expression so I continued. "Besides if I wanted to hurt you, which I doubt is possible, then why did I help you escape from the guards?" I watched him carefully as he slowly relaxed. As soon as he relaxed a voice in the back of my head repeated one word, _run_. So, listening to my body, I ran, only to be caught by a single hand of the deadly assassin and pushed back.

"You're gonna have to try harder then that." He taunted. "You're too slow."

I glared. "Well, that's because you're a master of speed and agility." I shrugged his hand off my shoulder and jerked away quickly before he could attempt a grab at me.

"Just tell me how you know my name and I'll let you go." He said non-threateningly. I raised an eyebrow and thought, _liar. _I know what you do in an interrogation!

"Bullshit." I rolled my eyes and glared. "If you do get it out of me then you would just jam that hidden blade into my throat and leave my body to rot in this alley. Besides, you would think I'm insane." I crossed my arms and looked up at him. Compared to Altair, I felt like an innocent baby lamb standing in front of a large cat, no, that's too nice, a really big lion. Yeah.

"It's too late for that." He crossed his arms and looked down at me. I couldn't see his face but I could tell he was glaring.

"How do you know I'm insane?" I snapped.

"You hit a guard with an orange." He pointed out the queer fact and I let out a small laugh.

"Like there were any other weapons," I said still laughing but then took advantage of the moment. "What if I helped you assassinate your remaining targets?" I gambled, smirking. He stared at me about to speak but I continued before he said a word, "Helped you gather information and gained your trust. Then would you spare me?" I said quickly and then added. "I might tell you how I know your name!" He looked down at me, probably wondering how a human could talk that fast, and then after a moment of pondering my gamble he answered with a nod. I smiled and punched the air in victory.

"To the Assassin's Bureau!" I said happily and ran over to the dark stone wall, grabbing a strong hold onto a piece of the building and began climbing with all my strength. I the heard a cough next to me, I slowly turned my head and smiled sheepishly. Altair pointed to a latter located directly next me that I had failed to notice. "Oh, of course." I jumped down, walked over to the latter, and quickly began climbing.

Once at the top, I looked around at my location, it seemed like a whole different world up here and I could see everything. Even at my height!

"Don't fall behind." I heard Altair mutter to me as he ran past me and to another stone rooftop. I smiled and ran after him as fast as I could. _This is going to be sweet._

* * *

And here I am, I'm gonna try to finish this story. :3


	2. Spider Altair

**Another revised chapter. :3**

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Assassin's Creed... although I'm thinking to invest.

* * *

I wasn't kidding when I said that Altair was a master of speed and agility. He runs so fast across the rooftops, throwing guards to their death, and leaping from place to place like a professional acrobat. I could hardly keep up with him; luckily, I just managed to do so, barely. But at the moment I was watching him violently grab a guard by the back of his shirt and toss him over the side of the building like a piece of trash. He fell to the ground, lifeless, while the crowd of alarmed commoners dropped whatever they were carrying and watched the man slowly die, screaming in horror. Usually, I'd scream and cry if I saw a man murdered but... He was a bunch of pixels. So, this made me smile and enrage in a fit of small giggles.

"That never gets old." I said amused as I slowly stopped laughing and watch Altair just stare at me, no emotion on his features.

"You're useless." He stated suddenly and continued to stare at me.

"Hand me an orange!" I laughed at my pathetic excuse for a joke and continued. "I'll show the guards a thing or two." I let my laughing subside and looked at the assassin, still staring at me._ What the hell is he looking at? _I would of turned to see if there was a guard or something interesting but I wouldn't give him that opportunity to claim the blood in my neck with his hidden blade or throw me off this building. I waited a brief moment, waiting for him to stop staring and consider telling him to 'take a picture, it'll last longer' but disposed of the idea considering that don't have cameras in this time, I'm too lazy to explain. _All right, his stare is starting to scare the hell out of me. _I looked past him at the breathtaking surroundings and spotted a viewpoint, and my distraction to get him to stop.

"There is a good place to look out at the city." I stated lifting my right hand and pointing towards the tall building, which was pretty close to us. He kept his hidden eyes fixed on me but broke it when he slowly turned to see my suggestion. After taking in the option he turned back to me and nodded. I let my arm fall to my side before he told me his next order.

"Climb down and stay hidden." He quickly turned and began walking towards his new destination before breaking out into a run to arrive faster. I took his advice, more like command but it that's not the point, and casually climbed down a nearby latter. While walking to a sturdy wooden bench I stumbled over my untied shoelaces. _Damn. _I sat down on the bench and put one leg up, quickly tying my shoe, and then placed it down.

After thinking for a brief moment I decided to tie the other, since I'm gonna be running a lot. As soon as I was finished with that task, I leaned against the wall and watched Altair climb up the suggested watchtower. Then, in that piece of insane cells that most people call a brain, something clicked.

"Spider-Altair, Spider-Altair. Does whatever a Spider-Altair does." I laughed and continued to watch Altair climb like a monkey up the side of the building. He stealthily grabbed the back of an unsuspecting guard's shirt and tossed him off the building like a piece of trash. My eyes were in sync with his falling body until he hit the ground with a thud, his head cracked on the stone, and he slowly closed his eyes. _Well, he didn't last long. _The crowd screamed bloody murder and ran terrified in different ways. I laughed at this and stayed put on the bench. Slowly, the street cleared of the frantic people and I slowly realized that I was unarmed. _Crap. _But the dead guard's bow and arrow quickly captured my attention; I smirked and stood up. As quick as I could, I took off his bow and quiver, and then retreated into the dark alley. There, I strapped on the bow and quiver.

"Hell yeah." I smiled and recalled the last time I even used a bow and arrow. Which was once, at some kind of Indian Fair, at some target practice. Instead of hitting my target I hit the guy talking on his cell phone several feet away from me. Besides now I don't think I ever ran faster in my life. But that was then, this is now, when I don't have charges pressed against me.

I cautiously walked out of the dark alley and looked for Altair on the building but he was not there. So, I looked behind me, where he usually scares me, nope. I casually walked over to a latter in the dark alley and quickly climbed up it, then I slowly looked up on the roofs and down below for him, nothing. I sat down on the rooftop for a moment until it hit me. _That jerk ditched me! _My expression quickly turned angry and I got up and stormed down the latter. _He has to be back at Masyaf sooner or later. _I quickly but casually walked and pushed my way through the crowds, my memory kicking in and remembering the paths throughout the city. But everyone soon began to back away and the guard's eyes followed me like a hawk's, but I discarded it and continued walking towards the exit of the city. _They're still staring._

I sighed heavily, "What?" I yelled glaring at every person that stared at me, which was everyone in the district at this point. "Is it because I'm the only blonde in this world at the moment?" If that was the case I wouldn't blame them, everyone here has black hair. So, It's like a girl with, I don't know, white, purple, pink, and neon green hair walked by you, how would you react? But I soon learned that wasn't the case.

"That girl has a weapon!" I heard a guard yell from behind me, followed by the sound of running footsteps.

"So do you but I'm not complaining." I stated casually, but when I saw them take out those dangerous weapons. "But now I am." I said, now scared for my life, and making a mad dash for the exit of the city. People looked curiously at me while I ran and jerked out of their way to get to the exit even faster. Some people yelled at me when I pushed them out of the way, but who cares? I finally made it to the exit, only four guards stood in my way, all of them unaware of the chaos behind them. I quickly turned on my heel to see if I could climb up to get around them but I couldn't, seeing that there was the previous guards running full speed towards me, swords drawn.

Upon seeing this I turned again on my heel towards the unsuspecting guards, who are now alert because of the ones chasing me like a cat, their swords were drawn and looking threateningly at me. _Why me? _My mind protest, but I forced my body to run towards the four guards. _Think of baseball! Think of baseball! _Like a homerun at a baseball game, right before the guard raised his sword to decapitate me, I leaned backwards and skillfully slid right under and through his legs. _Now if only my gym teacher could see me now. _The four guards chasing me bumped into the guards that I just surprised by easily slipping through their defenses, and I kept running for my dear life. _Just wait until I get my hands on that stupid Altair! Making me go through this! _A horse galloping towards me quickly interrupted my thoughts. _Since when in this game do guards ride horses?_

But who could it be other then the one and only assassin, that I wanted to kill at that moment, Altair. I felt his gloves hand wrap an iron grip around my upper arm and quickly pull me up onto his black steed and continued to gallop past groups of alerted guards. While sitting on back of the horse, I slowly took off the bow on my back while giving a death glare at the soldiers chasing us. I slowly put a hand on Altair's shoulder, thank god he didn't mind, and slowly stood up and turned around so I was sitting backwards on the horse. I reached my hand back and grabbed an arrow from my quiver, positing it on the bow I drew it back, aimed, and fired.

EPIC FAIL!

Instead of going through the heart of one of the guards, it landed far off to my right into the grass. I sighed, _Screw this! _My eyes shifted from the bow, then the guards, I shrugged, and threw the bow at the group of guards, on tripped over it and the guy behind him, tripped over him, and so the guard behind him.

"It's like Dominos!" I said happily and threw the quiver as well, getting the same result. Throughout the horse ride, I held onto the back of the saddle to try to avoid getting thrown off, but that was unavoidable at the jumps. Altair commanded his horse to jump over a fence it responded to its command and skillfully jumped over the wooden fence blocking the road.

"Altair, wait!" I screamed, but it was too late, the horse jumped and I was thrown from its back into the dirt. I landed on to my right arm and quickly held it to my chest, holding it tight, while I lied down in the dirt like a dead cockroach. _Damn you middle ages for not inventing painkillers yet! _I sat up and looked for Altair and spotted him not too far from where I was staring back at me while walking to my position, his horse following him. Above and to his left him I saw a small figure holding a bow and arrow, aiming its deadly arrow at Altair. I quickly abandoned my arm and screamed, "Altair, move to your left!" He looked behind him and quickly moved to his right. "…" I was silent for a second but then added. "My left!" He then moved to the left and barley dodged the arrow. He countered with a throwing knife and the figure fell over, unseen.

He approached me, while I dusted myself off, and mounted his horse. I didn't waist any time and got on, sitting backwards, the same way I was earlier. Altair ordered the animal to a run and I held onto the saddle.

"How did you find me?" I asked suddenly, then waited for an answer.

"Easy, I looked for the place that had drawn a lot of attention." He replied simply. I glared, but I doubt he saw it. So, I just let him lead the way.

_I'm bored._ I thought, and stuck my hand in my pockets, trying to find a source of entertainment. I pulled the junk out of my pocket to find a rubber band, a hair clip, cell phone, and a dime in my right pocket. In my left a note from a friend, and what remained of my lunch money. Yeah, real entertaining. I jammed the useless junk back into my pockets and sighed. But then the horse came to a sudden stop again; I was thrown for a second time. I heard two bystanders snicker followed by Altair getting off the horse and walking past me. I ignored the new pains through out my joints and followed him.

The city was very familiar, so I decided it was Masyaf, turns out I was right when the guards didn't attack him and I was certain when I saw the training grounds. He lead me to the stairs and I asked a question.  
"Why are we here-" But I was interrupted when he forcefully grabbed my upper arm and basically dragged me up the stairs to where Al Mualim was standing, but the whole thing was pointless because I was following him willingly. But that was now in the past, now I had to worry about Al Mualim staring back at me. Awkward silence. Then he broke it.

"Altair," Al Mualim gave Altair a puzzled look. "Why do you have a child?"

"Hey, hey!" I roared, tugging against Altair's iron grip. "I'm a teenager, not a kid."

_You sure do act like one. _A voice in the back of my head mocked. Shut up, voices.

"She knows my name." Altair said, totally ignoring my temper tantrum about my age. Al Mualim looked from Altair, down to me, and then asked.

"Are you with the Templars?" He asked, standing straight and tall.

"Do I look like a Templar?" I countered, raising an eyebrow, my voice calm. "Don't those guys wear crosses and stuff?" Then for a brief second I glanced down at my Metallica shirt, which had rows of crosses as marked graves, all over my shirt. _Oh…_

"Well, you do dress differently then most of the sheep in the herd."

_Ugh... metaphors._

He examined my clothing, which consisted of black baggy pants, now covered in dust, dirt, and blood. My Metallica shirt was also covered in the same grime, and my blue hoodie was abandoned in an alleyway somewhere.

"And I doubt I can kill him." I referred to Altair holding my upper arm, which was turning blue by the way. I watched him ponder in thought for a moment, pacing back and forth.

"She does not seem to be a threat to us." He motioned with his hand for Altair to let me go, which he did. I moved my arm around, trying to get the circulation going again. "But she needs different clothing and a weapon. We could put her to good use. Altair you will allow her to help you." As he finished, I smiled and I saw Altair give a slight frown. Al Mualim turned onto one of the shelves and grabbed a white robe and a silver dagger. He lied them on his wooden desk and motioned me to come up to take them. I hesitated at first but then slowly walked up and took them with a smile.

I took the dagger in two hands and then pulled the deadly metal out of its sheath and slowly rotated it back and forth so the sunlight glistened as it reflected off the metal and onto the walls. I slowly slid it back into its case and lied it on top the monk robes. This was going to be one hell of an adventure.

* * *

PFFT.


	3. Meet Mr Griffin

**Another revised chapter. :3**

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Assassin's Creed... although I'm thinking to invest.

* * *

"I make no apologies for looking this awesome." I stated simply to Altair and Al Mualim. "And not to complain guys but this is huge." I changed into the robes, that were similar to those that a monk wore but has slight padding on the inside, which were at least three times the size it needed to be to fit me.

Altair stared at me, unemotional. I stared back up at him with a straight face and waited for some kind of reply.

"Do not stare at me," he finally spoke instead of ignoring me. "It's not my fault you're small." I glared but at the same time considered it. I'm four foot nine last time I checked, which was about a week ago as a matter of fact! Also, note that I barley reach Altair's elbow. I know, sad isn't it?

I sat on the ground, more like fell backwards, and unsheathed my new dagger. The cloth made a ripping sound as I sliced off the excess sleeves and cloth. Oh boy, I can see my feet and hands. I sheathed the dagger and strapped it around my waist.

"I feel so," I stared at the robes and smiled. "Badass!"

* * *

Altair and I rode different horses throughout the Kingdom, nothing special. The only thing different is that I went out of my way to make sure I hit every passing commoner and then received a death glare from Altair. Which, of course I countered with an innocent smile. Eventually, we arrived at our destination and walked throughout the city until we reached a nonpublic place.

"Who's the target?" I asked him with a hushed voice. He didn't reply, I didn't really expect him to, but instead he stopped in the middle of a public square. The people held stone cups in their hands and talked among each other.

_Oh yeah! I remember this part! Watched my brother play it._

As soon as the thought passed, a ridiculously fat man walked onto the balcony, I don't remember his name. Why should I? I held in a laugh as my twisted teenage mind took control.

"Call him Peter Griffin." I whispered to myself, smiling.

"Welcome, welcome! Thank you all for joining me this evening!" Mr. Griffin announced. "Eat, Drink! Enjoy all the pleasures I have to offer. Take your time, I will wait." The crowd awed and filled their stone cups with the poisonous purple liquid that flowed from the statue.

"Sweet," I smiled. "Fill it with Mountain Dew and put it in my room."

"I trust that everything is to your satisfaction." Fat ass continued on with his boring speech. "Good, good, it pleases me to see you all so happy." But my A.D.D then directed my attention to his bodyguards. One of them looked a little familiar.

"Mr. T is behind him." I pointed the similarities and laughed. Altair sent me a warning glare, which I ignored.

"These are dark days my friends and enjoy this party while we still can," Twinkie monster said. "War seems to consume us all, I fight for what I believe in and you are the one who supports him without question. It is your generosity."

"Uh-huh." I stared at my feet, I could hardly pay attention anymore, but a couple of words caught my attention.

"Do you take me as a fool?" He growled at the angry crowd.

"You sir, are extremely," I paused. "Fat."

"…And it bother's you that I am different!" He stated and glared among the crowd.

"You are different, indeed." I agreed, laughing. Altair gave me a final glare and looked like he was about to kick me into the poisonous fountain. I met his glare with a confused look, "What?"

But the moment was broken when a man began coughing violently. I remembered this, Twinkie Boy is gonna make everything go insane.

Also, since Altair is no longer glaring at me, "I pity the fool who poisoned the crowd!" I yelled at him while impersonating Mr. T. Then, several people, left and right, dropped dead from the deadly poison.

"Kill anyone who tries to escape!" He ordered and not a moment after arrows began flying. Altair was looking around, obviously for a place to climb, so I ran up to the statue and stood on the edge of the fountain.

"Altair," I shouted to him, he turned and looked. I pointed to the head of the statue. "Up here!" He ran over to the statue and began quickly climbing; I jerked out of the way, but then quickly followed him up the statue. I was a lot slower, I'm made for gaming, not parkour. Altair skillfully jumped from arch to arch and landed onto the balcony. The Merchant King screamed like a little girl and took off. I jumped onto the balcony and watched Altair chase after him.

"RUN FOREST RUN!" I turned around and faced the two guards, who looked pissed off, swords drawn. I pulled out my pathetic little dagger. As quick as I could I jumped onto the edge of the balcony and onto one of the arches, balancing myself, then continued until I was on the sturdy long platform. They could only come on at a time. One jumped on after me and slashed his sword. I could block but it would throw my off balance, instead, I ducked and he threw himself off balance.

"Missed me!" I taunted and stuck my tongue out. "Meh!" He fell to the ground and ended his life, making me feel a little guilty, but either kill him or die. Two other guards jumped onto the arch. The second guard slashed at me, lighter then the first. I blocked with my dagger, but I was just a little girl, an extremely twisted little girl, I backed up while blocking his attacks. I soon hit the edge of the arch.

"Wait a second," I started talking to myself. "I have feet." With that realization I kicked him as hard as I could in his shin. With him uncoordinated, I pushed him off the arch.

"Heh." I put on a victorious smirk, forgetting about the third guard. He caught me off guard, I was already on the edge, and he attempted to stab me with his sword. I barley dodged it, but I did losing my dagger in the process. I flailed my arms desperately to try to catch my balance but the douche bag guard kicked me off the edge. I yelped and closed my eyes tight.

"OW!" I opened my eyes to realize that I wasn't dead but the poor guard I landed on was. Hehehehe, all right. I stood up and quickly grabbed my dagger, then realized that dumb guard number three was right behind me. Be brave or cowardly, decisions, decisions. Life or death? I like life, let's go with life. I turned sharply and ran away from the guard.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed and decided not to kill another human being and run for my pathetic life. I started looking for Altair after hiding in a roof garden.

I ran for a while, it was fun though, swerving alleyways, climbing ladders, and making a snail's pace up buildings, until I found Altair. He sprung up in the air like an eagle and landed on top of the merchant king in a high profile kill. He shoved his hidden blade into the fat man's neck.

"Night!" I backed away from the edge as Altair climbed up the building I was on. I sat on the edge of the roof garden, half-hiding and half not. Altair finally arrived at the top and I smiled, "Need help?" He didn't reply but quickly hide inside; I left myself fall into the box. As soon as it was clear, we climbed out.

* * *

We jumped across the rooftops without being seen until we made it to the Assassin's Bureau. Altair jumped down skillfully, I followed as usual, and walked into the small room.

"Mission accomplished." I announced victoriously and held a peace sign to the Bureau leader. He gave a look that read, 'Who the hell are you?'

"Word of your success had reached me Altair." He decided to ignore me and concentrate on his duties. So, I sat in the chair next to the checkerboard.

"He poisoned the crowd, a coward's tool!" Altair explained to the leader, who had a glare set on Altair the entire time they were talking. I wanted to throw something at the bastard but for once I stayed quiet. They finished up their duties and Altair left as quickly as he entered, I followed quickly, sending a death glare at the Bureau leader before we left.

* * *

Thanks to dogcyn for the walkthrough, couldn't write this without it.

DISCLAIMER: The funny comments about fatty were from dogcyn's video walkthroughs: Assassin's Creed - Soft Assassination Walkthrough - 09


	4. The LOUD Assassins

**Another revised chapter. :3**

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Assassin's Creed... although I'm thinking to invest.

* * *

_I swear this was the part that the game fast-forwards through._

But I have no doubt that it isn't going to do it. So, what the crap happens now? My question was simply answered when Altair took off his weaponry and took a seat against the wall. Copying him, I backed up to the opening of the Assassin's Bureau, nestled myself in-between the fountain and the hot stone wall. I then folded my arms on the edge of the fountain, rested my head into them, and watched Altair lie down.

_Awe, bedtime for the assassin that wants to slit my throat, the only time I know I'm safe._

I smiled at the thought and closed my heavy eyes.

* * *

Usually I have no problem falling asleep, all I need is an enclosed space and a place to lie down, but I have three problems. One, I must point out the fact that I am lying on hard stone that is really irritating my skin and has already skinned my elbow. Two, they're two male assassins in the room and one hates my guts. And three, this is my absolute favorite, Altair snores. I didn't expect this anymore then you did. He sleeps rather LOUDLY for a master of stealth and silence!

No offence to the people who snore but when I'm cranky, I need sleep, and I need it now. I glared at Altair's sleeping figure, thinking of a devilish plan of how to tear his throat out.

"Altair," I whispered. "If you don't stop snoring I'm gonna be one hell of a bitch in the morning." I finished the sentence as if it were venom on my tongue.

Two hours later I sat in the same position, whispering to myself.

"Alright I have two choices," I explained to myself in a hushed voice. "I can either kick him in the gut then run away or I can spend the night outside in the cold wind." Let me tell you. During the day, the heat is brutal and at night it gets as cold as thirty degrees. _Oh yeah, that just reminded me. _I lazily stood up, strolled over to the noisy fountain, and slowly climbed up and out of the bureau. I slumped down like a sack of potatoes and unsheathed my dagger. Steadily, my left hand griped my long ponytail and my other hand held the silver dagger over my dirt-infested hair.

_Slice_

I tossed my excess hair to the side after taking the hair band out of the ponytail and positioning it onto my delicate wrist. My head felt lighter and lighter as I began to cut up pieces of my hair until it looked decent enough for me. I yawned and retreated back into the bureau, Altair still snoring louder then ever.

My neck itched, tiny pieces of what once was my hair littered all over me. I slowly glanced at the fountain before staring at my new reflection. I've always wanted short hair.

_SPLASH!_

I had dunked my whole head into the fountain and then resurfaced. Then ran my hand through my scalp, pushing the drenched hair back. _Much better._ I strolled over to my usual sleeping position and dug my hand into my pocket, pulling out my ipod. I put the earphones on and was sent into a light daze as I fell asleep listening to whatever.

* * *

Altair strapped on his multiple knives and weaponry. Stretching and glancing around the small stone room for the creepy little girl. Recognizing her frail form wedged into the crook of the fountain, he walked over to her. He was about to wake her up when he noted a strange device wrapped in her fingers. He easily slipped it out of her hand and slipped it into his leather pouch. He picked up her small form, taking note of what had happened to her hair, held her over the fountain and let go.

* * *

I slowly moved my hands to my face and slid my hand down it, ridding it of water. Drenched, I stood up slowly and glared at the intimidating assassin that held a sarcastic smirk tugging on his features.

"You're a deep sleeper you know." His voice rang in my ears.

"Gee," I rolled my eyes sarcastically while climbing out of the wretched fountain and out of the bureau. Altair did the same and began walking past me, onto his next destination. "You really put the ass in assassin," I called to him, glaring. I ran, catching up to him, and following him. "You know."

"You slow me down," he blurted out. "_A lot_." He finished his second 'you're useless comment' and continued walking on.

"Nu uh!" I argued. "I helped you kill the fat guy!" He snickered and shook his head no. "I did too!" I argued. "I killed two guards that were going to chase you and I helped you hid-"

"You shouldn't be up here!" The guard interrupted me, and two of them swarmed towards us. Without a second thought, Altair eliminated one of then quickly in a high profile kill, while I, pathetically unsheathed my dagger. He sliced his deadly blade at my head, I gripped my weapon as tight as I could and slashed at him, and the deadly metal collided creating a shattering hum. The vibrations from the blades traveled down to my ungloved hands.

"Ow!" I dropped my blade and frantically shook my hands to rid of the painful tingling sensation. I felt his rough hand grab a handful of my robes, ready to throw me off the high building. My common sense kicked in. "Oh _hell_ no!" I swung my foot up and it smashed into his stomach. He recoiled and let go of my robes, yet raised his sword high. He let out a piercing scream as Altair dug his hidden blade into the guard's neck, ending him and saving me.

"I'll accept this as an apology for drenching me." I smiled; he ignored me and continued on with his quest. _But I said nothing about snoring._

* * *

I followed Altair throughout the city, gathering information. Things got a little interesting when we arrived at a busy public square. Behind two stacked barrels, a lesser assassin gave Altair a simple side quest. Yet, before he left he turned to me. "Stay here." But it totally sounded like he said, 'Don't do anything stupid.'

I sighed, not arguing this time. I leaned against the sizzling stone wall and glanced at the assassin, he was staring back at me as well.

"…" What? Was their something on my face? I decided to break the awkward silence. "I know what you're thinking and you should be ashamed of yourself." I let out a soft chuckle as he turned slightly red; it turned a bit louder as I slipped my hand into my pocket, searching for my ipod. Nothing.

"…?" I searched the other pocket, nothing. "Where…?" Then it hit me, Altair. I exhale noisily, men. I casually turned and began climbing up the stone wall, ignoring the stares.

"You were ordered to remain here." I impersonated Altair and ignored him, continuing to climb. "It's your funeral." I sighed and my head snapped towards him, we were at eye level now.

"What?" I said, my voice slowly increasing.

He was silent at first, looking up and down. Then shattered my last nerve. "You know, you're really short."

That's it. I let myself fall down onto my feet, my head snapped towards the lesser assassin followed by me body. He stared at me, confused. I let my rage boil to the surface of my skin.

"You know _what_?" I yelled, my voice increasing its level by the second, he slowly began to back out into the public square, where unfamiliar faces stares in amusement and shock. "I am so _fucking _tired of being called short!" He backed up; we were the center of entertainment now. "I'm the center of _every_ joke!" His features turned from confused to shock. "Short stuff, midget, booster seat!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, ignoring the stares that I received. . "I'M NOT SHORT I'M _FUN SIZE_!" I screamed, enraged, the lesser assassin chose to speak.

"Ugh?"

"WHAT?" He glanced around at eh alarmed crowd, I sighed heavily.

"Carry on." I spoke calmly, letting out a deep breath. Nothing changed, they still stared. "I said _carry on_!" They quickly unlocked their gazes from us and continued on with their lives. I let out a deep sigh, but jumped when I felt a gloved hand on my shoulder. My head spontaneous turned to my side to reveal no other then Altair, and he didn't look happy.

"You have anger issues." I quickly pointed to the lesser assassin without hesitation.

"He started it." He stared at the lesser assassin, ignoring my excuse. They exchanged information and briefly after we left.

Laughing softly I revealed the fact, "I threw a three year old temper tantrum."

* * *

I have a shirt like that XD


	5. One Badass Distraction

**Another revised chapter. :3**

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Assassin's Creed... although I'm thinking to invest.

* * *

"Altair," I pleaded the master assassin. "Calm the hell down." I gasped when I looked down, one mishap and it was all over. It was _not _the best idea to follow Altair up the highest viewpoint in acre, seriously. I hung onto the side of the building for my dear life. "He ruined my escape plan." He muttered angrily. _And he said I needed anger management. _"So the guy totally failed at leaving the gates open, it's not that bad." I assured him, which was pointless due to the fact that he was ignoring me. "Besides, it's not like we can't just kill them all." I sighed, realizing my flaw in that speech while I watched Altair successfully reach the top of the church, taking in the features of the city. "I mean," I quietly fixed my mistake, "You take them all out."

I had finally reached the top of the church, hanging onto the cross for my pathetic life, when Altair ditched me by jumping off in a perfect leap of faith. Still having one hand on the top of the cross, I leaned over and peered down. I _think_ I see the microscopic haystack. I took a deep breath.

"Here I go jumping off the building, that's about ten bazillion feet high." I exaggerated, scared. "Into the microscopic haystack." I leaned farther over the edge. I usually wasn't afraid of heights but this was a different story, like a fifty-story difference. "It is not going to be pretty if I miss." I established the fact. I continued to peer over the edge, thinking of a solution. Without realizing it, time went by as I spaced out. I finally chose my way.

"I think I am going to take the long way down." I stated to myself, turning around slowly.

Altair's hooded figure. I jumped in fright, gasping. "Dude," I yelled. "What the fu-"

I was cut off when the asshole _pushed_ me. It was a long fall, long enough for me to think and do a couple of important tasks.

One, scream.

Two, think of a revenge plan.

Three, try to fly.

Amazingly, I landed in the microscopic haystack, don't ask how, I don't know. When realization kicked in that I was alive, I slowly got out, ridding myself of the hay. "I'm alive?" I thought out loud, stunned.

"Of course you're alive." I jumped once more out of surprise from the master assassin.

_Ok, the battle is on._

"I am going to get my revenge when you least expect it!" I announced stupidly, he ignored me, and I followed him to his next objective.

* * *

I stalked Altair, remaining silent. In less time then I thought, we arrived at the citadel, acting like monks and swerving throughout the large crowds. After stealthily taking out all surrounding guards on the rooftops, we were now positioned on the very top of the citadel, looking down on William of Montferrat.

"I promise it won't happen again!" the man pleaded for his life.

"You're right," William growled. "It won't." Two of William's men killed the pleading man, I watched sadly. Stupid Templars.

"You're not supposed to be here!" a voice rang. Altair threw a knife, ending him, and continued to watch William. This made me giggle a little. Now, everything was in place, except all eyes were on William, he couldn't get close to him without getting caught.

Altair glanced around, looking for any opening possible, I cleared my throat.

"I could create a distraction." I volunteered. Might as well be useful right?

He stared at me, I stared back.

"Don't mess up." He warned and turned back to look at William. "Eh," I tapped Altair on his shoulder. "Can I have my ipod back? I know you took it." He turned to look at me, confused. "You know, I had it in my hand this morning?" I smiled, he frowned while taking it out of his leather pouch and handing it to me. "And calm the hell down," I smirked and began climbing down, outside the citadel. "I got this."

Once I was down on the ground, I noted the two guards standing firmly in place at the entrance, they needed to go.

"This distraction needs a distraction." I muttered to myself and glanced around, noticing a single guard, a perfect target. I smirked to myself and disappeared into an alleyway, only to sneak out the shadows holding a two by four, a victorious smirk on my lips.

CLUNK!

I smashed the hunk of wood as hard as I could directly onto his unshielded head. _Good night! _He fell to the ground, unconscious. His fellow guard buddies walked towards him, investigating the body while I slipped past them into the citadel. I slid to a stop and all the soldiers turned and stared at me.

I took a deep breath.

"My car is a PIECE OF SHIT! I ought to give you a swift kick," I screamed out any lyrics I could remember, and by the way, I can't sing for my life. I'm sure a dying cat would sing better then me. "In the muffler, in the tire or where ever I desire you STUPID CAR! You never get me very far when," I stopped for a second, trying to remember. "When…" I saw William raise an eyebrow, behind him, Altair ready to strike.

"Do you like waffles?" I blurted out, singing. "Yeah we like waffles! Do you like pancakes? Yeah we like pancakes!" I glanced at William, dead on the ground and Altair no where in sight. Time for me to go. "And I gotta go now!" I sang in sync with the song, backing up. All fifteen guards drew their deadly blades; all eyes set on me. I thought quickly.

"LOOK!" I pointed behind all of them, at the innocent stone wall. "A DISTRACTION!" Paranoid, all of them looked behind their backs, like idiots. I ran as fast as I could out of the citadel and before I knew it, the alarm sounded. _Discovered the body._

"Shit." I swore under my breath as they spotted me.

"Don't let her get away!" They screamed, alerting more guards. _Perfect, I have an army chasing after me! _I took a sharp turn around the corner and concealed myself onto a bench. One by one, the alerted guards dashed past me. _Dumbasses. _I stood up as soon as I thought they were gone.

"Assassin!" They spotted me for a second time, I took off.

"What the hell?" I yelled in frustration, slowing down from all the fatigue and little sleep. I felt a tug on my upper arm and before I knew it I was smashed into the wall, bruises developing on my skull. I recoiled backwards and fell to the hot stone ground. Too many guards to count surrounded me, I was cornered. Slowly standing up, I unsheathed my dagger. Unfortunately, I dropped it when I was kicked hard in my gut.

"Drawing your weapon on a soldier? Unwise young one." I heard one of them lecture. I coughed; knowing that I couldn't take them on I took the coward's way out and played possum. I pretended to pass out. Not a moment later, I was flung over someone's shoulder violently.

"I believe Majd Addin would enjoy having an assassin attend the execution." I heard the guard holding me say. The one next to him chuckled and replied.

"As do I." They began to walk; I tried my best not to smile. _Idiots._

* * *

Disclaimer: Two Ton Paperweight by Psychostick and Do you like waffles? By Perry Grip.


	6. Idiot’s Convention

I was forced to lean against a splinter infested post, my hands tethered to it. _What luck. _I shot the guard who had just finished binding my hands.

"You know," I said calmly. "I think you just cut off my circulation."

"Silence, wench!" He growled, inches away from my face. I held my breath, his was toxic and I doubt my hygiene was any better. _Too close! _I swung my boot up and nailed him in the shin.

"Make me!" I threatened.

"Do you want me to?" He challenged, intimidating. I took a deep breath.

"Maybe I want you to think that I want you to but I didn't want you to think I knew that you knew that I knew that I didn't want you to make me shut up!" There was a moment of awkward silence. He stared at me, trying to comprehend what I just threw at him.

"You win." He sighed, defeated, and casually strolled off the stage.

Slowly but gradually, people started to crowd the small intersection. I glanced down at the ropes, my dagger was gone and I didn't have a hidden blade, nothing to slice the ropes with. Eventually, enough people had crowded the intersection and I searched for our favorite assassin, not succeeding in spotting him. That's when Majd Addin walked out onto the stage. _I'm dead._

"Silence, I demand silence!" He demanded, pacing back and forth, I rolled my eyes.

"People of Jerusalem, I stand here today to give you a warning!"

"What?" I yelled loud enough for all to hear. "You're annoying?"

"Is this your desire, to live your lives in fear?"

"I know what you're thinking and you should be ashamed of yourself!" I yelled out to him, chuckling. He turned his head slightly, glaring. I simply stuck my tongue out at him like a child. "Meh!" The crowd cheered at his boring speech.

"This evil must be stopped!"

"Your mom must be stopped." I giggled.

"This is not justice." As if on cue, two men dashed forward, swords drawn and ranting how wrong this is. Their lives were ended when they were sniped by archers and stabbed to death by the surrounding guards.

"That guy needs a life." I commented, laughing.

"I will keep you safe!" He continued on, unfazed by the attempted attack made on him.

"Oh, yeah, I'm really safe right now." I yelled rolling my eyes. Slowly, I began to lose interest and space out into my own little world. I have the attention span of a squirrel. But I quickly snapped back into reality when he slowly approached me.

"Behold! An assassin!" He pointed to me.

"Behold! An idiot!" I countered, kicking him in his shin. He glared down at me, _why is everyone freakishly tall around here? _And was unfazed by my pathetic attack.

"There is only one way to deal with this!" He raised his threatening blade and I impulsively snapped my eyes closed, awaiting the impact. His blade sliced through my weak assassin uniform and dragged across my skin. It didn't hurt right away, just a strong surprising pressure, but after a brief second my nerves kicked in and unbearable pain swept through my chest. Out of my peripheral vision I saw red stain my robes and a white blur dash past.

My vision blurred, my head felt lightweight, and I grew dizzier by the second. Phasing in and out, I repeatedly blacked out and then woke up, only to black out again after a few seconds. One of the many times, I was in-between phases; I noted the white blur almost floating like a ghost in every direction.

Then, the rope that bound my hands together was gone. It was suddenly very hot, I felt myself sweating. My vision gave out and I fell into a deep slumber.

* * *

"Altair, I hope that you have assassinat…" There was an awkward silence as the bureau's leaders eyes fell upon the bloody mass that was his ally. "Altair," he sighed. "You have to control yourself."

"It wasn't me but Majd Addin," Altair set her down on the mats and once his hands were free he revealed the bloodied feather. "She took part in the execution." He spoke calmly. "I trust you are familiar with medicine."

"…" The leader stared at the assassin. "Are you familiar with medicine?" Altair sighed.

"She's finished is she not?"

"Not on the contrary," the bureau leader smiled. "I have an idea."

* * *

A headache and pain coursed from my head to my toes. _What the hell happened? _Ok, let's retrace our steps… errr… thoughts. First I created an epic distraction, and then I was in the execution, then blank. I felt a bead of sweat roll down my forehead, why am I warmer then usual? _If this is hell I demand a welcoming committee. _I opened my eyes, the rays of sunlight evaded the room, and my eyes retreated under their sockets for protection. I slowly opened them again, little by little, adjusting them. I discovered why I was so warm.

Chewbacca here was resting against the wall like he always does, but there was one problem. I was sitting on his lap and his arm was slumped around me, holding me in place. _Personal space?! _

I pushed my hands against his arms but no luck, then didn't pry off. I elbowed him in his shoulder, still no luck. I gave up.

"Altair," I yelled. "Wake up!" He didn't wake up, just turned his head to the side. _Son of a bitch. _I took a deep breath and let my anger boil. "ALTAIR!" I screamed at the top of my lungs and observed all the birds take flight around the city. Altair woke up with a jolt and I pushed his arm away one last time, this time he let go. I stood up quickly, ignoring the pain in my stomach, turned, and sent him a death glare.

"You pedophile!" I declared, holding my burning stomach. I slightly lifted my shirt up to reveal red cloth, which was once white, crusted with blood. I sighed, put my shirt back down, and spoke calmly. "Was that necessary?"

"Would you desire to exist as a corpse?" He countered.

I yawned. "Forget I asked." I stretched my arms. "Just don't do it again."

"Where did you run off to?" He asked, strapping on his weaponry.

"Where did you go? I was looking for you while running away from an army." There was a long pause of silence, then casually, Altair climbed out of the bureau. I watched him climb out and then followed.

"That was one hell of a distraction." I started climb up, ignoring the burning in my stomach yet cursing the whole way up, I'm sure I said every single curse known to man. Altair stared at me, probably wondering how I knew so much colorful vocabulary.

"Can we walk?" I begged. "I don't think I can jump very far." I waited for an answer, he simply nodded, and I cheered inside. I strolled over the edge of the building and searched for a haystack, spotting one right underneath my nose.

I smiled; maybe Altair really does care about me. I was pretty sure that he was going to leave me to the buzzards.

KICK!

I fell face first into the hay; Altair had kicked me off the building. So much for caring. I slowly stood up and send him a death glare, since he was magically right next to me. _Stupid agility. _I opened my mouth to insult him but was interrupted.

"Assassins!" I heard one of the guards yelled behind us.

"For the love of-" I was interrupted yet again by our favorite assassin, he roughly took hold of my upper arm and began running full speed towards the exit of the city. I tried to run; yet every time I took a step I flew ten feet, my feet struggled to keep up.

Guards blocking our escape from the city forced us to take a sharp turn, I barley hit the edge of the building, like Altair couldn't run any faster. Suddenly, I crashed straight into him and stumbled backwards.

"OW!" I glared at him but then looked past him to see open ocean. "Oh right," I smirked. "You can't swim."

"How are you aware of that?" He asked, surprised.

"I know a lot of things Altair." I replied simply, looking down at the water, noticing a few rocks, and then back at the guards running towards us.

"Altair," I pointed to a haystack. "Hide." Without a second thought he did so, probably wondering why I didn't hide immediately after him.

"There they are!" I heard one of them shout, spotting me. Quickly they surrounded me and I backed up onto the edge, little cracks giving away from the aged perimeter.

"Want to kill me?" I glared at each guard. "Then come and get me." I smirked and waved calmly before I let myself fall backwards into the ocean below.

All at once they ran to the edge and peered over, looking for me. That was Altair's cue, he revealed himself and stealthily kicked all of them off the edge, to their deaths. After he had rid himself of alerted guards, he peered over the edge, searching for a needle in a ridiculously huge haystack. I resurfaced from the water, watched some guards drown, and then spotted Altair searching and smiled.

"CHEWY!" I screamed and then climbed up onto a rock, sitting down. "Get down here!"

Altair hesitated for a brief moment but eventually climbed over the edge and let go, landing skillfully on the rocks. He jumped from rock to rock till he reached me. He stared at me, I stared back. I let myself fall into the water and then swam up to him, climbing onto the rocky platform with his help.

"Guess what?" I smiled at him, ringing the water from my hair. He was silent, big surprise there. I continued. "You're going to learn how to swim."

* * *

You gotta love Altair's new nickname and why the hell can't he swim?

Thanks to dogcyn for the walkthrough, couldn't write this without it.

Disclaimer: dogcyn's comments about the target… LOL

Hope you liked it

R&R


	7. Hydrophobia

I slid back into the water and allowed myself to carelessly float onto the surface. _God forbid there's a shark in the water. _The thoughts passed as I looked at the dried blood from my robes moisten and redden the water around me. _At least the salt water will heal the wound. _

"Some _woman_ isn't going to teach me to do such a thing." He declared, stubborn.

"Sexist!" I announced, and then began to sing the word. "Sexist, sexist, sexist!" I cupped my hands against my mouth and yelled. "Altair's sexist!" I continued to float on my back and spin in innocent circles.

He didn't reply to my outburst, what a surprise there. Instead, he turned towards the rock wall and glanced up, looking for a way to climb back up.

"Give up, chewy." I laughed at his new nickname and swam up to the sides of the rocky platform, extending my right hand towards him. "Help me up." He turned and took my hand, I smirked. I leaned back, putting all my weight backwards. Yet, he was strong, this will take some extra strength. With all my might I swept my foot to the side and tripped him, he tumbled forward into the water.

He began to sink like he had a pair of cement shoes on, but I was still holding onto his hand. He began to pull me under; luckily I latched my left arm around a rock and pulled him up. Thank god his weight decreased in water or we'd both be screwed. As soon as he surfaced he latched onto the same rock I was on; he wrapped his arm around my neck and held me in place. I used both of my now free hands to hold onto the arm that was nearly suffocating me, giving me some air.

"Altair," I yelled. "_Relax _or I drown us both!" Surpassingly, his grip on me loosened just enough to let me breathe normally. "Besides, being in water will make you smell a little more pleasant."

"…" I couldn't see his face, or what wasn't hidden, but I could tell that he was confused about the comment.

"Come on," I begged. "Don't make me sing 'I'll make a man out of you!' Because I-" He let me go without warning and I sunk into the dark water. Under the water, I pushed myself off the rock and swam a couple feet away from him, making sure I wasn't in arm reach, or far enough away that his blade couldn't slice my throat.

Steadily, he reached from rock to rock, heading for the pathetic piece of land. I resumed floating on my back and spit some water out of my mouth. "I'm a fish!" I laughed and continued to carelessly drift around. "Come on," I rolled my eyes. "I'm still wounded and I can still swim." I floated over to the platform and stared up at him. "Salt water heals wounds actually."

I'm sure he was ignoring every single word I spoke, hell, I could tell him that I was from another world and he wouldn't notice! _Hmmm._

"Jackal," I said to him, pretending to be excited. "Jackal, is it a jackal? Jackal, jackal it looks like a jackal, is it a jackal, I think it's a jackal!" I finished my impersonation and laughed, he had not noticed, just continued to search for a way back up without falling to his death.

"There is no way up." I said in a slightly annoyed voice. "The only way is to swim. Besides, you don't want to be stuck here with _me_." I exaggerated. "For days."

"We'll climb." He assured me, since when did he start listening?

"You'll climb, I can't at the moment." I sighed. "I wish I had some swimmies at the moment." I laughed and continued. "I'd make you wear them." I burst out laughing at the mental image. "I need to draw that."

"What is this 'swimmies' that you speak of." He asked seriously, I tried so hard to contain my laughter.

"It helps you swim, you know like water wings."

"What are water wings?" He asked again, confused.

"All right, this isn't time for twenty question!" I splashed Altair. "Get the hell in here!" I glared at him, my world upside-down.

"No." He turned away from me and looked for a way to climb again. _Stubborn._ I sighed, frustrated, then silently reached up towards his sword.

"That's too bad," I smirked and continued reaching carefully for his sword. "Because if you could swim you could avoid," I quickly grabbed his sword and quickly turned to get away. "This!" He quickly turned as soon as he felt his weapon leave his side, he jerked around skillfully, but not fast enough to defeat gravity, I disappeared under the water. He stood at the edge of the rock, peering into the water, probably ready to drown me.

I resurfaced a good ten feet away from him, ready to dodge knives. I stared at him for a good thirty seconds; he didn't throw anything, which is a good sign. I swam over to the flattest rock I could find and set my self up, sitting on the edge and letting my feet dangle into the water.

I held up his sword, taunting him. "Come and get it Altair." I waited, again, yet he didn't bulge from his spot. I shrugged, "You're not getting this back then."

_He can't swim, I can relax_. I lied back, aware of any spiky rocks, and nestled myself between two dull rocks. Examining his sword, I dunked it into the water and let the blood wash off and began to scrub it with my fingers.

"Let's get down to business," I began to sing loud enough for Altair to hear. "To defeat the Templars!" I laughed and continued, "Did they send the," I thought of a substituting word. "Peasants when I asked for assassins?" I laughed again to myself and badly sang the next part louder. "You're the worst swimmer I ever met but you can bet, before you get your shit back," my laughing merged with the song and I yelled the last verse. "Mister, I'll make a swimmer out of you!"  
Forgetting the other verse, I just laughed and continued to clean his sword until it was nearly stainless. I slowly turned my head towards where Altair was, but he was gone. _God dammit. _I looked up at the wall where he climbed down, he wasn't on it, therefore, only one other place, behind me.

Without warning, I was lifted up and thrown over his shoulder, landing right onto my new injury. While I was briefly disoriented, he sheathed his sword and jumped back to the rocky platform, rock to rock. Luckily, the pain subsided when he set me down, dropped actually, onto the rock.

"How the hell did you-" I began, glaring.

"I merely leaped from stone to stone." He replied, pushed me against the wall, and pinned me in place with the last of his throwing knives.

Knowing I couldn't fight him psychically, I decided to fight his verbally. "How come you always speak in literal terms?" I rolled me eyes. "You could have just said, 'I jumped' but that seems too hard for you."

He ignored me completely, so I rambled on. "The answer to your question will arise when you no longer need to ask it!" I quoted Al Mualim, rolling my eyes, and imitating an old man's voice. "HEUH."

Again, he ignored me and turned away from me, sitting down and acting as if I didn't exist. I sighed and reached for one of the five knives, trying to pull them out. My puny upper body strength didn't do anything, it hardly moved, my fingers kept slipping off the metal.

"Oh, when I get out of this," I made a pathetic attempt at a threat. "You're, you're, you're," H turned and stared, "I don't know, insert a horrible threat here!"

He turned back to the ocean and chuckled. "I wish you luck."

* * *

After a while, I got bored of yelling at him and just plain bored of being bored. Altair finally gave up on a way back up after nearly falling twice. It was dark now and he was now asleep, I wasn't though. He's snoring and I'm pinned to a rock.

Wait a second, I mentally smacked myself. I might not be able to get the knives out but the shirt can be cut. I grabbed the end of my shirt and slid it across the knife, tearing the strap; I fell to my knees, free.

"Yay." I cheered quietly and tied my shirt back together. Quietly, I walked to the edge of the rock and slowly submerged my self in the now cold water. "I'll be back chewy." He answered me with a loud snore; I laughed and swam off.

* * *

The following morning, Altair woke up only to realize that the abnormal girl wasn't pinned to the rocks but instead staring at him from a wooden boat docked on the edge of the rocky platform.

I yawned, "Hey chewy." And then rubbed my eyes.

He stared at me. "Where did you get the boat?"

"I borrowed it without permission." I stopped leaning on the rocks and lied down onto the boat, my back snapping in protest. I rested my head against the hard wooden edge of the pointed end of the boat. "You should thank me for swimming all the way to the docks for this." Ignoring me for the umpteenth time, he stepped into the boat and kicked it away from the rocky platform, floating away.

We floated around for hours, luckily I half remembered the way back to shore, and pushed us when we stopped. Altair was no help at all and kicked me in my wound whenever I splashed him. I swear, sometimes he's more stubborn then a teenage girl.

When we were closer to land, I peered over the edge into the water, eyeing sand. I let myself fall over the edge of the boat, swam under the boat and pushed it up, tipping it over. Altair fell into the water and sunk to the bottom, which wasn't far down, actually we were in waist-deep water, yet he acts like a child and phials his arms around.

"Altair," I repeated, floating around innocently. "Altair." I repeated, a little louder, he still continued to act paranoid. "Altair!" Nothing, I took a deep breath. "ALTAIR!" He glanced at me. "Stand up!"

There was a moment of silence and he did so, the water reached his waist.

"Oh…" He mutter quietly, embarrassed. My palm collided with my forehead, a facepalm.

"You really scare me sometimes." I sighed and began swimming backwards towards the shore, he walked. "Not because you can't swim but for the fact that I think you're kind of retarded," I let the comment sink it then continued. "The kind that has no common sense."

He pushed me under the water and continued walking. _Heh, he knows it's true._

Finally reaching the shore, he continued to walk out of the water, not phased by the fatigue of walking through water, and to the nearest horse. But I fell onto the soft sand and nearly fell asleep, yet I threw one more comment. "It scares me that you can drown in knee-deep water."

He ignored me, and continued to walk on, looking for a horse. I groaned and stood up, running after him. "I know you can here me you idiot!" I sighed, following Altair to Masyaf.

* * *

Thanks to dogcyn for the walkthrough, couldn't write this without it.

Disclaimer: Disney owns the song 'I'll make a man out of you.' Family Guy owns Jackals.

I have no clue of the parts of a boat, please bare with me.

R&R


	8. Sleeping Beaut… errr Idiot

"Ow." I muttered again after tripping for the umpteenth time. We were walking down one of the many the hot dirt roads in the Kingdom. I was walking slowly, dramatically different from my usual fast walking, and to my surprise, Altair was walking next to me. Not ten feet in front or a mile but next to me, strange.

What seemed like an eternity of searching, I finally spotted a white stallion, and pointed towards it. I yawned and spoke in monotone. "Look Altair, it's my little pony." I yawned once more and rubbed the sweat off my forehead. It's unbearable out here, using up all my energy and adrenaline wasn't helping at all either. A bead of itchy sweat rolled down my face, we both slowly stopped walking.

Altair stared at me for what seemed like an eternity, or at least it seemed longer since I repeatedly continued to fade in and out of a dream-like trance. _What is he staring at?_

"Do I have something on my face?" I asked in a tired monotone voice, letting my right hand wipe down my face. I closed my eyes and let myself drift off into that dream-like trance.

"Are you alright?" His voice broke my trance instantly.

"I'm fine," My eyes remained closed and my voice quiet. "Just a little tired." I heard his turn in the dirt and begin walking away from me.

"A little," he mumbled. "Says the one about to fall to the earth unconscious."

_Well you talk funny. _Would be my comeback, but I don't feel like talking at all.

A lightweight feeling began to takeover my mind and body, but I was pulled from the trance and back into my heavy body and aching mind, when I felt myself being placed onto the horse.

The beast's trotting became peaceful and the lightweight feeling took over.

* * *

_I can't take anymore of these riddles Master provides me, I won't settle for riddles this time. _I thought, talking to him only runs me in circles. _But maybe with a more demanding approach…_

"Good," The sleeping girl on my back mumbled. "Cause I put date rape in your ramen." She let out a girly yet soft laugh, then went back to drooling all over the back of my uniform.

_Why is she following me?_ I blasted past a large group of Templars, ignoring their threats. _More importantly, why does Al Mualim demand that I let her tag along? _I glanced back at the queer girl. _She can't in this state; I'll leave her in __Masyaf__. _

"HERETIC!" A single guard screamed at me, I ignored him.

"If running at high speeds is heretical, then you two better slow down!" The girl yelled in her gentle voice. I listened to the Templars; the one running slowed down.

"You know she has a point…" His fellow solider pushed him forward, annoyed at his stupidity.

"Keep running you idiot!" The girl laughed silently and fell back asleep.

At a first glance, this girl is merely a weak child, but she can send a glare that could make you think she would rip out your intestines and strangle you with them in an instant. And to tell the truth, I'm wondering how the _hell _she survived getting nearly cut in half. Well, watching her fight, it's painfully obvious to everyone that she is afraid to take another's life. _Maybe I can get Malik to teach her basic self-defense and make her kill an irrigation target. _

I gradually slowed the stallion down in front of the city gates and dismounted, carefully not letting the girl fall on her face. I glanced at the stationed guards, eyeing me, probably wondering why there was a child with me. I glanced at her strange golden hair, which only makes her stick out more, _Why doesn't she ever wear her hood up? _I discarded my thoughts and decided to wake her up.

* * *

I was awakened from my relaxing dreams when I felt pressure on my forehead; I opened my heavy eyes to see no other then Altair repeatedly poking my face.

"Chewy?" I mumbled and then weakly slapped his hand away. "G-T-F-O." I closed my eyes again, but my relaxation was cut short when he grabbed a fistful of my hood and pulled me off the horse. I fell like a ton of bricks but he held me above ground with ease.

"Why?" I whined. When I'm in my half asleep stage, a couple of things start to happen to me. First, I talk about things that make no sense. Second, I don't know where I'm going and will walk right into things. And finally, I hallucinate.

How do I know this? Well first of all, the entire way up to the fortress I thought all the civilians were ghosts and I asked Altair for his ghost buster uniform. Then, whenever Altair asked me something, all I heard was mumbling followed by, and that's what Gaara would act like if he was on magic mushrooms. And now I'm doing a double take at Al Mualim because for a second I thought he was wearing a party hat, a pink and blue one with confetti in the background, to be exact. _Am I high or something? _

The hat magically vanished, thankfully, and I was nearly asleep leaning against the stone railings across from Al Mualim's desk. I would be asleep by now, but their constant talking kept me at the edge of falling unconscious.

"Come Altair, I have some news of your progress."

"I have done as you asked."

"Good, good but I sense your thoughts are elsewhere, speak your mind."

"Each man you have sent me to kill has spoke descriptive words to me, each time I come to you for answers, each time you give only riddles in exchange, but no more." He growled.

"Who are you to say no more?" His master glared.

"I'm the one who does the killing, if you want it to continue you will have to speak straight with me for once." I smirked, I'm not gonna miss my favorite scene, have to stay awake.

"Tread carefully boy, I do not like your tone."

"And I do not like you're deception!"

"You tell him," I mumbled. "Superman." They both ignored me, what a surprise.

"I have sent you a chance to restore your lost honor."

"Not lost taken. By you, then you send me to fetch it like some damn dog."

"It seems like I will need to find another." He picked up his long… candy cane? "Ashamed you showed great potential."

"I think if you had another you would have sent him long ago. You said that the answer to my question would arise when I no longer needed to ask it."

"Wait," I asked. "What?" He ignored me. _Did that make any sense at all?_

"I will not ask, I demand you tell me what binds these men!" I smirked again; Altair finally gets mad enough to demand.

"What you say is true."

"These men are connected, a blood ought unlike our own." He glanced at me or at least I think he did.

"Who are they?"

"Templers. Now you see the true meaning."

"All of these men, commanders of cities and armies."

"All pledge allegiance to his calls."

"Their work are not meant to be called on their own are they?"

"They seek the Holy Land not in the name of god, but for themselves, any who oppose them will be destroyed. They have the means to accomplish it."

"They must be stopped."

"That is why we do our work, Altair."

"What did we do in candy land?" I blurted out randomly.

"Altair," I heard Al Mualim ask. "What happened to her?" He gestured to me, since I was biting my robes and referring to them as cotton candy.

"I fell." I laughed but then stopped when a couple of flying turtles floated by, followed by Roy Mustang blowing them all up with a snap of his fingers.

"She was in the execution held by Majd Addin." He answered for me. "I used her uniform as bandages."

"They took my weapons too." I replied as Spiderman crawled across the back window. They began talking in a low whisper, I didn't really notice because Link was keeping me company by playing his ocarina, I closed my eyes and listened to the melody.

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, FullMetal Alchemist, Assassin's Creed, Superman, Spiderman, Candy Land, or The Legend of Zelda. The heretic scene is owned by ZeKarmiSama.

Thanks to dogcyn for the walkthrough, couldn't write this without it.

R&R


	9. Spider Scholar

"I agree Prince Zuko," I smiled at the prince and bit into the hot cheesy nacho. "These nachos are epic!" For some unknown reason, we were dining on the top of the statue of liberty's pointed crown, and I don't even want to begin to explain how any of this makes sense.

Suddenly, the small box of cheesy nachos was snatched right out of our hands. A lean, slightly built, man that resembled a robber from one of my favorite games, 'The Sims.' He laughed evilly and slid down the metal arms of the statue with expertise.

"Get back here with my nachos!" I screamed and leaped off the bizarre floating, rather expensive looking, dining chair. Mimicking the thief, I slid down the arm of the statue and jumped towards him, my feet planting onto his back, and my hidden dagger plunged into his neck.

"…" I was silent for what just happened confused me beyond words. "Why?" I sighed, only in by dreams would a banana replace my hidden dagger, I glanced down at the dead robber, and where people bleed maple syrup. "Just go with it." I assured myself and took a bite out of the syrup-coated fruit.

Slowly, my surroundings began to melt, the breathtaking colors of the New York skyscrapers and night sky merged, taking on a new form. I lay on fresh green grass, soft to the touch, but I was in agony. Altair had my bloodstained collar in an iron grip and his features appeared infuriated but his eyes looked heartbreaking, he was hurt.

"You knew!" He growled, his teeth grit in anger.

"I knew what?" I asked confused, stricken with fear because of his outbreak.

"You betrayed me! I trusted you!" he roared, ignoring me. Even in my dreams he ignores me!

"Is this male P-M-S or something?" I joked, but it soon died when he raised his left arm, revealing the deadly hidden blade. "Whoa," I yelled, scared. "What are you doing?" His eyes turned cold, lifeless.

"What I should have done when we first met." My eyes snapped shut and he plunged the deadly blade into my bruised flesh.

* * *

I woke up, sitting up quickly. I whipped my forehead, realizing that I was sweating, my hand moved to my hand. No wound, always a good sign.

I sighed, "New nightmare," I rolled my eyes sarcastically. "Great." I discarded the dream and studied the room that I was in.

It was nice, for the time period anyway; a bookcase covered the wall, supporting many different colored books. The bed was red, tinted brown with dirt; I recognized the smell of the pillows. _Altair. _

"Why am I in his room?" I asked myself, but was soon answered.

"You fainted from exhaustion." A female voice piped up; I snapped my head towards her. She was tall, compared to me, around five foot five. Her skin, like other maidens, was tan from the sun and matched her coffee dyed eyes. She wore the traditional assassin's maid outfit, but that's not what caught my eye, it was the blue bruises that stained her honey colored skin.

"You slept all through the night!" She smiled weakly, setting a tray of bread and a glass of purple liquid that I guessed was wine. White cloth also lay on the tray, along with a bowl of foul smelling, green liquid.

"Thanks?" I said, confused. "Who are you and where's Altair?" I questioned, getting off the bed and standing up, twisting from side to side, listening to the bones in my back crack in pleasure.

"Please excuse me!" she bowed several times and apologized. "My name does not matter to you; I am instructed to take care of you until your instructor returns. He is currently out on duty." _Instructor?_

"Duty as in a mission?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, and taking the piece of bread, slowly biting into it. It wasn't the best quality of bread, it was stale, but I don't care, its food. I glanced at the wine but decided it was best if I didn't go to find chewy while drunk. The last thing I need is to mistake him for a tree.

"Yes, my lady!" I winced; everything is too proper for me. "Oh!" She mentally kicked herself. "I have prepared a bath," She pointed to the door down the hall and continued, "And Then I will rewrap your wound." I simply nodded, no argument, I know I need one.

I strolled down the stone hall, the maid stayed behind, fixing Altair's bed. I couldn't help but notice as I walked down the hall I kept receiving stares, dirty looks from fellow assassins. _What's their problem? _I wondered, yet continued walking. I noticed Al Mualim across the room, also staring at me.

I shrugged the thought off briefly as I entered the musty room; I put on a small smile. I didn't care what the hell the temperature of the water was; I finally get to bathe.

"Hey Altair," I asked myself, creating entertainment. "Go take a bath, you smell like horse shit."

I took a deep breath and imitated a man's voice the best I could. "I don't stink!" I laughed then continued. "I take a bath at least once a month!" I giggled; it was a scary fact.

* * *

_Maybe it's because women are just tools and are viewed as dogs in this century. _I guessed the meaning behind the stares and entered Altair's room, a rather large towel wrapped around my small frame. I eyed something new; I smiled and recognized it. New assassin armor was laid out across the bed, my size this time; I smiled and began putting on the pieces. After I applied all of the necessary effects I examined my new armor.

Instead of a heavyweight chest piece like Altair's armor, I had a lightweight leather belt. Attached onto this belt was a handy leather pouch and many slots to hold my throwing knives, a blue cloth wrapped around them to both secure them into place and keep them hidden so it won't raise suspicion. Underneath, a blood red sash to establish my rank to fellow assassins. _Which is strange because I'm not even a novice._

The black short sleeved shirt fit nicely around my petite figure and the dark cloth pants held identical bonus. They were light yet at the same time, were strong enough to protect from a blade.

The boots fit my small feet appropriately and fastened perfectly, ready for any getaway. The gauntlets protected my hands and wrists from any blade that might pierce it and was strapped perfectly with plenty of space to move. My left gauntlet was nearly the same, only it concealed a slot for the hidden blade.

Overall, a white cloak kept all of my effects and my identity secret, allowing me to blend into crowds. And finally, my weapon of choice, my short blade strapped into a rough leather sheath around my torso to my back. The summer uniform held not a stain and was specially made, just for me.

There was a knock at the door and a familiar voice rang. "Miss, are you fully clothed?" I opened the door, proudly displaying my new armor, yet cringing at the name, 'miss.'

"I am ordered to rewrap you're wounds," She walked quickly up to the previous tray and began to prepare the medicine. I decided to make her job easier and un-tucked the two shirts tightly secured by my belt; I lifted up my shirt just enough to see the poorly made bandages covered in dried blood.

"Please lye down." She asked, a green-tinted medicine coated rag in her right hand. I did as she asked and lied down on Altair's bed. Before I could, she began unwrapping the bandages. Bored, I began chewing on my nails, which is until she slapped my hand down.

"Don't bite your nails." She lectured, continuing with her work.

I rolled my eyes and muttered to myself, "Okay mom."

"Pardon me." He asked, completely unaware of my comment. I shook my head, I didn't say anything. "Oh dear." My first reaction was who says 'Oh dear' and how queer it was. But when I saw the gash where my swollen skin separated into two, a wall of red curved up then gradually faded into black and blue.

She continued to stare at my stomach; it started to annoy me, so I broke the silence.

"Tis' but a flesh wound." I laughed and expected her to say, 'A flesh wound? But your arm's off!' But she didn't, sadly; instead she gave me a confused look. "Never mind." I sighed.

She then either cleaned my scar or gave me poison of some kind, I don't know. The stuff she put on me was green. The only stuff I recognized was the bandages.

"Now," She broke the silence and spoke up. "Maybe you'll know to stay behind and let a man do his work. Then to get something like this and regret what you did." She gave me a look that my mother would have given me.

"I don't believe in the word 'regret' I believe the phrase 'you fucked up and now you learn from it.'" She gave me some sort of look that I think was a glare but it was too girly to actually tell. "Besides, Altair needed some kind of distraction. The truth is that he's just as man-retarded as the rest of them." I laughed to myself.

"Well," she finished tying up my cut and stood up. "It's a woman's place to stay behind."

"Not in my world." I stood up as well and fixed my uniform. Without a word, she left. I glanced out the window and spotted my destination, the training grounds. I smirked; maybe I can get someone to train me a little. I turned on my heel and walked out of the room, making my way down the stairs and outside.

Along the way, I continued to get the same stares and glances. Yet the only one I really paid attention to was Al Mualim holding the Piece of Eden to his chest and rubbing it like it was gonna spit out a genie. I almost thought he mumbled, "My precious." While rubbing it.

I walked a little faster towards the exit before a genie really did come out and made my way through a crowd of people to the training grounds. I leaned against the wooden railings across from the training ring. Hmm, let's see. There is sword fighting, which would be real handy. But the throwing knives look fun too. Well, actually I should be searching for Altair.

"Why are you here?" A voice interrupted my thoughts; I looked up to see two novice assassins looking down at me. They stood on the high ground behind me.

"Trying to remember what target Altair is after next." I sighed, was it Sibrand or Jubair?

"That traitor?" He growled. "You're the one that's following that failure?" He laughed and nudged his friend.

"He's not a failure!" I glared at them.

"He was sent back to a novice rank!" They both laughed. "He will never be remembered for his murder of our brothers!" I sent them another death glare.

"He surpassed you in a matter of minutes." I forced my self to control my anger and then smiled at my next answer. "Besides, you can be a murderous tyrant and the world will remember you fondly, but fuck one horse and you will be known as horse fucker for all eternity." I smiled as they stared at me confused. "Therefore, you won't be remembered."

"He'll be known as a traitor!"

"Just because Kadar was not as good as a fighter as Robert and Altair was thrown out of the picture, so he couldn't help them when he wanted to, does not mean that Altair is a traitor. And even if he was reckless and put his friends in danger, he did it because if he didn't, Robert would have the Piece of Eden right now!" I snapped.

"That just proves that he's not that bright." One of them mumbled.

"You're just jealous because you're stuck as a novice."

"You're dumb if you think that he's successful."

_Ok this is going on for too long._

"Well, one time you went to McDonalds and got some French fries and some ketchup packets and you sat down to eat them but you couldn't get them open so you went to the store to buy some scissors but you didn't have enough money so you started running to your friend's house to borrow some money so you could buy some scissors to open your ketchup packets and enjoy your French fries more fully but then just before you got to his front door a piano fell on your head because you're dumb!" I yelled as quickly as I could at the now confused assassins.

It wasn't till now that I noticed that people were listening to our argument over Altair. I rolled my eyes and yelled in anger, "What are you staring at?" before turning sharply towards the outside and making my way out of Masyaf.

_If I am correct he is going to fight Jubair._ I walked through the city and when I reached the exit I hopped on a horse. _To Damascus._

* * *

It was a wild ride, the entire time I was running from guards and barley dodging arrows. Oh, and don't forget about running innocent commoners over with my horse. Hehehe. But right now, I'm lost, and have no clue where the hell Acre is, or where I am.

"Why didn't I bring a map?" I sighed. All of a sudden I was pulled off my white horse by my upper left arm; I continued to stare forward, my captor unknown. Slowly, the person holding me switched their hands that dangled me in the air, I was rotated, and I rolled my eyes. _So Altair finally caught u- _

My eyes widened, Altair wasn't he one holding me, but Robert de Sable. His steel helmet was off, and his brown eyes glared right into mine. I looked down; I was quite high off the ground, _how tall is Robert anyway? Taller then Altair._

"Hello, assassin." He spoke the name in his French accent as if it were venom; I smiled innocently and waved sheepishly with my free hand. _I love your accent._

"How are you so sure I'm an assassin?" I questioned, smiling. He looked confused for a second but then it melted back into a glare.

"First of all, women are unable to become monks." He said, as if lecturing. "Second, monks do not ride horses and you have obvious weapons strapped to you." I laughed and wondered why everyone else never noticed that fact, Robert continued. "Finally, I'm simply wondering why the assassin's allowed a woman to join their forces."

"I'm wondering why you haven't killed me yet." I hesitantly reached my right hand forward and poked his shiny bald head. He looked bewildered by my action; he had one of those 'W-T-F?' faces on. I giggled and the poking turning into petting. "Dude," I said with fake amazement. "Your head is so soft!" I squealed and Robert simply rose an eyebrow, I smiled, he smirked and opened released his iron grip.

CLUNK!

"OW!" I complained and rubbed my tender back where I had fallen. "Was that necessary?" I asked sadly.

"Was rubbing my head necessary?" He countered, I smirked.

"Touché." I stood up and dusted myself off. "Couldn't help it," I looked up at him. "It's shiny."

"You're quite strange." He concluded, keeping a watchful eye on me. "I am your enemy, you are an assassin. We are enemies, yet you act as if were not."

"Just because we're enemies doesn't mean we can't be friends!" I smiled and spoke in a southern accent, and if you're southern, I spoke in a northern accent. "Besides," I laughed. "I don't think I can jump that high to put a blade in you're neck." I pointed out the fact. "Can I have a hug?" I blurted out randomly.

"No." He stared at me. _Last thing I need is an Altair clone._

"Fine." I took his large hand and took my glove off, then held my miniature hand up to his. My fingers just reached the end of where his fingers began growing out of his hand; his palm was bigger then my whole hand. "I don't know what they're feeding you," I joked. "But I think I want some." I let his hand go and strapped my glove back on.

"You're quite strange." He repeated, I shrugged and a small smile played onto my face.

"I tried being normal," I laughed. "I didn't like it."

"Why are you, but a novice, out here alone?" He asked, ignoring my answer to his previous comment.

"I… erm." My eyes fell to my feet and back up at him, _wait a second_. "How did you know I'm a novice?" I questioned, curious. He gave me the smallest of smiles, which was strange and kind of scared me.

"It's obvious."

"Do you know you're my favorite Templar?" I smiled when he gave me an even more confused look.

"What?" He asked, glaring, probably thinking it was a trap.

"Seriously," I turned and searched through my uniform to find my original pair of denim pants that I had on. I found it and reached into my pockets. "Please be there!" I prayed. "Yes!" I pulled my hand out from my uniform to reveal a black permanent marker. "Yo, Robert, can I have your autograph?"

"…" I hope I didn't fry his brain by destroying the Templars Vs Assassins act.

"Please?" I held the marker up to him. Which I didn't really expect him to take because markers weren't even invented yet. I took that cap off the marker. "All you have to do it write your name."

He sighed, knowing that I wasn't going to give up. He took the marker and pushed my sleeve up, then proceeded to write his name on my arm. When he was done I snatched my marker back and put it into the pouch on my belt.

"Why are you not-" I cut him off.

"I'm a fan and I don't have anything against the Christians." I smiled. "I used to be one but then I thought for awhile. Christianity is the belief that some cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master. So he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical fruit tree." I watched his expressions change, which was funny. "Makes perfect sense. Doesn't it?"

I laughed and got back onto my horse, and then laughed even harder when I heard his reply.

"… What?"

"That was kind of cute." I laughed. "Anyway, Robert do you know which way Damascus is?"

"… Cute?" He asked confused, but pointed down a road, which you could see Damascus just a couple miles away. I slapped my forehead.

"Oh, I'm an idiot."

"That you are." He stated. I laughed at the insult.

"You know if I wasn't helping the main character I'd totally be a Templar and stalk you instead." I shrugged and he stared. "Anyway, I escaped from Masyaf and now I have to find that moron." From my horse I leaned over and gave him a quick hug, he just stood still like my brother would, and said nothing. I think he just experienced his first fangirl. "See ya." I kicked my horse and began to ride off.

But before I was out of hearing range I heard a confused, "…Bye?"

* * *

I wondered around the city of Damascus, from the rooftops of course, searching for our favorite assassin.

"Now, if I were a badass assassin," I thought out loud and stopped to look around. "Where would I be?" I spotted a tall viewpoint and smirked. "It's Spiderman time."

* * *

"Jesus Christ," I complained. "How does he climb buildings these all day? I climbed one and I'm already worn out." I looked down. "Perfect, they all look like ants." I continued to look down and locked my eyes on the miniature haystack. "Don't miss, don't miss."

I jumped and took a leap of faith. And guess what, I missed. I flailed my arms in the air and tried to fly but the bastard called gravity didn't let me. Luckily, fate loves me and I landed on a thug.

I looked at the unconscious thug and quickly got off him. "Thanks for breaking my fall, home slice." That's when I noticed that people were staring.

"I'm a scholar from God." I said quickly and then bolted up the side of a building. And right before I disappeared on top of the building I looked down at the amazed people and smirked. "A Spiderman scholar!"

* * *

Thanks to dogcyn for the walkthrough, couldn't write this without it.

Disclaimer: for the long sentence about McDonalds ketchup packets, it's from the song Dumb Song by Psychostick.

And I have nothing against Christians.

Check out the drawing of Robert's autograph on my profile. XD

R&R


	10. MC Idiot

Ok I think I finally know where I am. About time too, I've been wandering around this freakin' city for an hour. I received another odd stare.

"God," I glared at the passing citizen. "Can't a girl sing the mission impossible theme in peace?" He ignored me and continued on with his business. I chewed on my tongue and tried to remember where exactly Jubair was, but all I remember is a stupid room surrounded by guards.

"Hmmm." I sighed and watched a guard passed, then my brain clicked and I grabbed his arm and pulled on his uniform. "Hey mister!"

He looked down at me with a confused expression on his face. "What, child?"

"Can you help me find my father?"

"Eh, sure?" he eyed my clothes suspiciously. "What is his name?"

"Jubair." I smiled and held in my laugh as he eyed me with suspicion.

"I didn't know Jubair al Hakim had a son." I didn't need to hold in my laugh anymore. Wow, this uniform really hides my gender, and I guess I can admit that my haircut is like a guy's.

"No one knows." I said innocently. "My mother recently died and told me of my father's identity." Jeez, now I think I'm starting to speak in literal terms like Chewy.

"Very well, follow me." I smiled, that was easy. This moron is really gullible.

After following this idiot halfway across the city I finally recognized the group of soldiers that were Jubair's group. They stared at us when we arrived.

"Sir," the moron I used pointed out which one of the clones was the target. "This child has established to me that he is your long lost son."

"What?" Jubair spoke up. "Impossible."

I cleared my throat and tried my best to imitate a boy's voice, "Not entirely."

"Are you ill, what is wrong with your voice?" The guard that escorted me here asked.

"Eh," I glanced up at the roof to see Altair looking down at me with a very pissed off expression on his face. "Puberty."

"…Very well." Jubair finished with a confused tone. "Follow me and I'm establish if you are my son or not." He walked towards the exit with his men following.

"Yes," I spoke up and nearly yelled, hoping that Altair will get the message. "I will follow you, Jubair, my father." I held in a laugh as I followed him out.

* * *

I watched as Jubair threw another book into the fire but at the same time I kept a lookout for Altair.

"I know you are not my son." Jubair spoke up.

I spoke in my normal sarcastic voice. "Well duh, I'm a chick, ya' dumbass."

"Assassin!" he drew his sword and pointed it at me threateningly. I took a couple steps back and drew my short blade.

"Give up while you can child." Jubair gave me an evil smile, held his sword above his head, and swung down at me. I held up my short blade to block it, but his strength was overpowering mine. I jumped out of the way of the attack but at the loss of my blade.

Jubair walked toward me. "Now, you have no weapon."

I continued to step back. "You make me sad." As if on cue, the awesome chewy leaped off a nearby building and landed like an eagle between me and Jubair. "So be it!" I pointed to Altair and smirked. "And it's _about_ time!" I gave him a quick glare.

He said nothing, but instead drew his blade. I quickly grabbed my short blade off the ground and sheathed it, backing away to give Altair room to fight.

The battle began, well; Altair jumped in right away and made Jubair back up instantly. They blocked each other's moves and counted each other. And I… was just standing there, doing nothing.

"Can't touch this!" I yelled trying to grab Jubair's attention. "My, my, my, music hits me so hard makes me say 'Oh my Lord!'" I pondered the next verse and sang it to myself before screaming it out loud. "Stop, Hammer time!" I laughed. "Every time you see me the hammer's just so hype I'm dope on the floor and I'm magic on the mic now why would I ever stop doing thi-" I stopped as Altair began a counter attack.

He stepped on Jubair's long sword and spun around to his left side, dragging the blade across his left shoulder. Blood oozed out of the fresh wound and with a thud; Jubair's heavy arm fell to the ground.

"Now will _you_ give up Jubair?" I walked towards him and Altair, smiling. He stood up and spit.

"It's but a scratch." He shrugged one arm and stared at me.

I raised an eyebrow. "A scratch? Your arm's off!" I pointed to his lost arm.  
"No it isn't!"

"Then what's that then?" I pointed to the arm, surrounded by a pool of blood.

There was a moment of silence.

"I've had worse." He lied.

"You lie!" I accused him.

"Come on child!" He raised his good arm to attack me but Altair was faster, he slashed down and severed his last arm.

"Victory is min- err, ours." I said, smirking. "That was too easy." I turned on my heel to walk away when I felt a kick on my back. I fell onto my stomach, then turned over to see Jubair still standing.

"Come on then!" Jubair yelled, anxious.

"What the fuck?" I said getting up.

"Die!" he kicked me again, this time in my shin.

"I won already give it a rest!" I yelled at him, brushing the dirt off my white robe with my hands.

"Oh, had enough, eh?" he taunted.

"Look you stupid bastard you've got no arms left!" I pointed out the obvious.

"Yes I have!" he kicked me again.

"Look!" I yelled.

"Just a flesh wound!" he kicked me again.

I sighed heavily, frustrated.

He kicked me again. "Afraid are you?"

"Stop kicking me!" He went to kick me again, but Altair slashed his sword upward and tore his leg off.

He hopped up to me.

"What are you going to do?" I pushed him backwards. "Bleed on me?"

"I'M INVINCIBLE!" He screamed.

"You're a loony."

"I always win!" he lunged at me. "Die!" But he was cut short when Altair cut his last leg off with little effort. He looked at both of his sides and then glared at us, I smirked.

"It's a draw." I watched Altair sheath his sword and took out his hidden blade. "I'll be going now." I turned on my heel and walked away.

"Running away, eh?" He yelled to me. "Come back here I'll bite your legs off!"

"Good luck with that." I kept on walking.

"You bloody bastard!" I heard a choke and then Altair was walking next to me. We rounded a corner and I glanced up at Altair, he didn't look happy, but what else is new?

I laughed to break the silence.

"I told you to stay put." He growled.

"I if I did you would still be searching for Jubair."

"I would have found him easily."

"Oh really?" I turned to him. "I picked out Jubair with that horrible; 'I'm your daughter' story and then you know which idiot to follow. So, I actually helped."

"I followed an idiot all right." I sent a glare towards him. The one time he makes a joke and it's making fun of me.

* * *

There was silence the rest of the way to the bureau, except when Altair started thinking out loud.

"I don't know what these men are thinking," Altair spoke up. I looked up at him. "They will never be remembered fondly for taking over the Holy Land by force."

I laughed, which received and odd stare from Altair, and spoke up. "Chewy, you can be a murderous tyrant and the world will remember you fondly, but fuck one horse and you will be a horse fucker for all eternity."

"… Why do you keep calling me Chewy?"

* * *

Disclaimer: The fight against Jubair was not my writing… it was from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I don't own it… but if I did…. Damn! I'd be rich!

I don't own MC Hammer.

R&R


	11. Boats and Hoes

Altair finished up his mission by giving the bureau leader his feather, nothing new. We were walking towards the exit of the city, silence between us as usual, until along came a beggar.

"Please sir just a few coins, my family is sick and dying, JUST A FEW COINS!" She repeatedly stopped him in his path and was determined to either get some coins or just annoy the hell out of him. Yet, our favorite assassin always kept his cool and merely continued to push her aside.

That's when the second one joined in.

"I need food, I'm so hungry just a little money, I beg of you. Just a few coins!" Altair just pushed them aside again, then all hell broke loose.

"NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I HAVE NOTHING! I need the money!" They circled us like demon vultures from hell.

"You don't understand I need the money!"  
"Coins, all I ask for is a few coins." My eye started to twitch.  
"Coins, coins, coins, COINS!"  
I snapped. "That's _it_!" I yelled, grabbed hold of Altair's arm, and pulled him towards the nearest building. These beggars aren't on rooftops. I grabbed a ledge and slowly began climbing up, Altair climbing up faster then me, leaving me behind. _Ass._  
I glanced behind me to see both beggars holding large rocks. Oh yeah, forgot about them throwing those. I opened my mouth to warn Altair, but closed it. I stopped climbing up and scooted to my right, giving Chewy room to fall. Not a second later I heard a thud, and down came the almighty assassin.

"… Watch out." I let myself drop down to the ground and watched the two beggars disappear into the crowd. I turned to Altair and kneeled down at his side.

"Rise and shine my mighty stud muffin." I laughed and poked his side.

Sitting up with a growl he swatted my hand away, got up, and began to walk away as if nothing happened. I followed as usual.

* * *

How many alleyways must Altair go through till he admits he's lost? Seriously, we've been walking for about an hour and a half. _Stubborn idiot…_

"Altair, you're lost." I rolled my eyes. "Admit it." He growled, nothing new. But then I heard something behind me, like mumbling.

"Oof!" I was shoved into Altair. "Sorry." I quickly glanced behind me to see a guy hugging his arms to his chest, mumbling to himself. I just kept walking, trying to ignore him.

But he was persistent, and pushed me again. Luckily, I was able to dodge Altair. But, fell into a group of women holding pots. One by one, each woman screamed and raced through the streets. "Help me! Guards he's trying to kill me!"

I quirked an eyebrow. "Alt-HEY!" I was shoved again by the insane man. I gained my balance, stomped around and towards him and glared. "Stop hitting me!" In response he shoved me again and I staggered right into Altair then fell to the ground. "I'm gonna shank yo-…"

I felt a hand on my arm and I saw Altair was pulling me up without a word. I voluntarily stood up with his help but as soon as I stood up he walked towards the insane man.

I smirked, "It's insane bashin' time!" The insane man was about to push Altair but, he countered with a right hook to the face. The man shrieking ran off into some alleyway. But, that's when one of the thugs joined in, attacking Altair. Then it was like dominoes, all surrounding thugs joined in.

I uselessly parked myself on the nearest bench and watched the show, I wish I had popcorn.

Altair skillfully nailed one of them in the face, but one snuck up behind him and stuck him in the back of the head. A glare set itself on my face; I got up and ran towards him. Successfully landing a jump kick on his back.

He turned his attention away from Altair and towards me. I put my fists up.

He laughed, "What do you think you're doing kid?" I answered him by landing a punch in his gut. He just laughed again, unfazed.

"Alright chuckles." I threw another useless punch, but this time he seized my arm in a death grip, and hauled me up to his eye level.

"Chuckles?" He laughed and glared. I heaved, took in a breath, and then with all my skill, launched a glob of spit in his face. "Ugh." He groaned and whipped his free hand down his face. That's when my right fist plowed into his nose. He grunted and dropped me.

Quickly, I kicked in the back of his knees, forcing him to stumble down. That's when my heel sent a solid kick into his face. He fell back onto his back and I sent out a final blow, another hard kick to the face.

I backed up away from him and smirked, "I'm not a kid." With a thud, I heard chewy finish off the last three thugs. I skipped up to each body of the thugs and looted their knives while Chewy made sure the one thug I fought was unconscious.

I jumped around in a circle happily, "Look Altair! I did something useful!"

* * *

After that lovely experience we continued outside of the city.

There, I stood and watched as Altair went to get a horse. For the moment, I gave a "Sup?" to anyone that looked at me. I turned my attention back towards Altair, just in time to see him get bucked off by a white stallion. My jaw dropped, _never did that in the game. _I walked towards Altair as he stood up.

"Epic fail." And an attempt to prove me wrong, he jumped onto it again, only to get the same result. I held in a laugh, "What a cowboy."

He ignored me and forcefully jumped on it, clearly not giving up. It bucked him off again.

"Ok now you're just setting your just setting yourself up for failure."

"You tame it then!" He growled.

"Fine, I will. Watch the master." I slowly walked up towards the face of the horse. Closer, closer, closer. Until I was petting it. Then I walked past it and to the black horse behind it, climbing on. I walked it up to him.

"It's called common sense Chewy." I laughed and scooted backwards so he could get on. He ignored me and steered the horse towards Masyaf.

* * *

How many of you played ACII? I just played it today. Ezio is 17! Wow… didn't expect him to be a punk ass kid only a couple months older then me. lol

R&R


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